this could be the beginning, i am thinking so. now, who can i tell that this is starting?
april was a fluke. i don't believe it happens twice a year anymore. not really. the real time is fall.
fall...when i fall.
i mourn your death. i mourn your death so bad that i am having trouble sleeping. i can not crack a real smile, especially not at work... and i'm walking along the shore of an emotional wreck.
i wish i would have known you better. i could have helped.
it's the number one thing that you are not supposed to tell yourself after someone you know commits suicide. well, at least it's right after blaming yourself.
but...i keep this in mind at all times when i say, if i had the time to have known you better, i could have helped. it doesn't matter about the people in your life that were there and couldn't help...they weren't me.
i would have taken you in, my friend, and taught you the ways of the world, poor lost soul.
but your soul was not lost. it was stolen from you. your life was stolen from you and who took it is not happy with me for trying to let you rest.... i will not give up on you so easy. i will fight for your soul.
i am very angered.
these thoughts haunt my being.
but you cannot take me too, i am stronger than that. i am stronger than you.
god...i cannot believe this person i knew, is gone...
he had so much potential. and it makes me unmeasurable upset.
how do the others at work do it? why am i taking this so bad? i knew him for two months, others knew him for three years... why can they smile? why could he smile everyday at work when deep down he didn't want to live a second longer?
he had us all fooled. i'm so disappointed in myself. i feel almost like i am understanding less about life and the people in it as each day fades into the next. but i know in actuality i am just thinking deeper and further than i have before...those depths have very hidden secrets. i cannot wait until i know the answers.
i learn more about my family as time passes.... i grow more and more disappointed in my parents. they did not listen to me. they did not help me. but this is not even about the past. my family is continuously surprising me with uncomplimentary thoughts and desires... i'm beginning to understand why i have such a lack of familial connection. how did i come out so different?
oh god.... i'm so disappointed in myself. if only i wouldn't have been so focused on just learning my job... i put off making personal relations for later. i figured i have so much time with these people, that i should master my job first before i focus my energy on the others..... maybe i could have picked up something from him...
richard, i am sorry i wasn't there for you earlier...r.i.p. don't worry, i will make sure you do.
2:05 a.m. - 2009-08-30
Recent entries:
First cold front of the season - 2014-09-13
Luke Ian Glass - 2013-11-07
The Blind Tiger - 2013-02-23
Thanks Dad. - 2012-04-13
i keep myself from many things, but i think you are the greatest of them all. - 2011-09-06
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