i seclude myself, and distance myself, and then pity myself for the loss of my friends.
the nature of a scorpio is always something i have been proud of.... but i am just realizing how hard it is to live with. being driven by emotions and inner turmoils that i cannot admit to even myself...
i am doing very good here. i work two jobs and i make top grades in all my classes but at the end of the day i am unsatisfied. i can have a wonderful weekend with my best friend and sister and the second my back is turned slip into the rabbit hole....
i always end up concluding it is friends that i need to end this. but shouldn't a strong friendship with one, a good relationship with your sister, and a reliable, caring boyfriend be enough? plus the acquaintances at school and work?
this past is what is constantly tormenting me. who i knew. who i was. who we all used to be. i am very glad to be what i am now. and who i am now. i would not go back to that sad, confused little girl, but i would go back to my friends that rode with me along the way...
these values block acceptance. how horrible. and mistakes block forgiveness. fear blocks honesty. i am so sorry.
i have what it takes. do i even have what it takes? a walking contradiction. day in day out.
she says beware of the moon for she is the one that controls the waters. water makes up the majority of this planet and your self. the moon is in power, but she dances through the night in a peaceful innocence, while people blame the sun who gives life. the planet is dying. mother nature wants change. there is nothing we can do about it. it has happened before and it will happen again.
but i am the moon. and i am water. i am dawn.
how can i be next in line.... my names, my nature, what i symbolize screams destruction.
i am self destructive. no matter how hard i try to change, the scars will never go away and this case will always be proven otherwise.
i will not give up to try to change this. i am still young. i do not wish to be weak.
an introvert who when finally given time alone, resorts to sadness and loneliness. how do i stop these feelings?
i wish i had more time to read but when given the time, i'd much rather do something else. i believe i'm mostly spent by that point....
i want to know more. i want to know more. why don't i know more. when will i know enough?
..... i have work to do.
dear diary,
i thought writing would help me feel better....
11:08 p.m. - 2010-02-28
Recent entries:
First cold front of the season - 2014-09-13
Luke Ian Glass - 2013-11-07
The Blind Tiger - 2013-02-23
Thanks Dad. - 2012-04-13
i keep myself from many things, but i think you are the greatest of them all. - 2011-09-06
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