oh. i 'forgot' to take everyone's advice.
and my own advice too...
so communication, huh?
i wonder if this has been a problem before?
karmic wheel....
am i the person i've let go of twice in the past?
that would be an interesting twist in the story.
well, i can't say i'm not learning... and i'll do almost anything for more knowledge.
how much of myself should i risk for this?
since the start of the year there has been a pretty significant and noticeable increase in my social abilities. i feel a bit less primitive and just less fucking weird to say the least. i am denying more of my innate tendencies towards hiding away at parties.
i'm not the best at the 'fake it until you make it' strategy, but i'm working on it. being genuine, honest, and considerate has gotten me pretty far. i'm sure good looks and brains have aided as well. i would find it to my benefit to work on having more self-confidence. i believe a bolster in self-esteem would dramatically decrease the negative behavioral trap my thoughts create. sigh.... and that would be just lovely.
i have people tell me that i am ahead of the game; they wish they were where i am now when they were my age. i can't help but always feel this perpetual catching up to do. why can i not see what others see. Cooley's looking glass theory, don't fail me now! I thought i am supposed to be how other's see me? not some skewed self-created and self-downing version i've managed to manifest. well, i'd really like to cut that out.
i think if i could ask for one thing, it would be to improve my verbal skills. i want to be better at communicating my thoughts and ideas. i want to expand my vocabulary, and i want to be better at quick retorts and witty connections. i want to prove that i am really on the same level, or higher, never lower (well there are always exceptions, exceptional people.) this should not be outside of my grasp.
i just really want to thank two people who have in this year, greatly influenced and inspired me, taught me and together we work on expanding out minds and our paradigms. And i just hope to add more people to this list so i can stop feeling so dependent.
it's hard. trying to do things just right. but then reverted to inaction from the fear of messing up which is more of a mess up then trying. oh well... back to my research paper.
you know, i really think i am setting myself up for something that probably isn't the best for me... i hate this craving for the mad that i have... but then again tend to get a little off of my own rocker as well.
7:56 p.m. - 2011-07-09
Recent entries:
First cold front of the season - 2014-09-13
Luke Ian Glass - 2013-11-07
The Blind Tiger - 2013-02-23
Thanks Dad. - 2012-04-13
i keep myself from many things, but i think you are the greatest of them all. - 2011-09-06
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